8 Things That Most American Jews Can Agree On

These are fractious times for Americans, and the tensions are perhaps even more pronounced among American Jews. As Hanukkah approaches, we’d like to remind our fellow Jewish-Americans that, red or blue, we still have important things in common.

  1. Hanukkah candles are a scandal.

When it comes to Hanukkah candles, there are only two choices: either the premium hand-dipped kind at fifteen bucks a pop, or the supermarket cheapies that break like Paul Manafort—that is, at the slightest pressure. Surely the people that invented monotheism can invent a quality candle at a reasonable price?

  1. Finding out that someone famous is Jewish.

Drake! Daniel Radcliffe! Rashida Jones! The Gyllenhals! Mila Kunis! Etc etc etc etc

  1. Sandy Koufax.

You may have zero interest in baseball. But you will always be interested in one of the greatest pitchers of all time, who wouldn’t take the mound on Yom Kippur.

  1. Arguing.

Here’s a math problem. If there are three opinions for every two Jews, then how many opinions are there for the 5.3 million American Jews?

  1. The right way of being Jewish.

No matter their level of observance or belief, every single American Jew can agree on one thing: that he or she has figured out the exactly right everybody should be Jewish.

  1. Jokes.

A man calls his mother in Florida.
The man says, “Mom, how are you?”
His mother says, “Not good. I’m very weak.”
The man says, “Why are you weak?”

The mother says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son says, “What? Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother says, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

  1. Text matters.

Whether it’s the Torah, a legal brief, a recipe, or directions to the airport, you’d be hard-pressed to find an American Jew who doesn’t believe that text matters.

  1. They don’t like this table.

100% of American Jews agree that there’s a draft here, and would like to know if they can change tables.